Eighteen Years...

Mum.. eighteen years today..I was Christmas shopping and my phone started ringing..

 
You and dad had gone to Lincoln on a pre Christmas visit to my brother and his family for a few days. It had been a tough couple of years nursing dad through his cancer and stroke.. but he was now well enough to drive and you were looking forward to it.

I was on the bus when I got the call.. your mum has been taken ill.. you need to go home.. but there was something in my uncles voice. 10 minutes later another uncle.. where are you..are you coming home? Yes yes!! I got off the bus and caught another one in the opposite direction! I thought.. they won’t say the words on the phone.. so stay on the bus! In the next ten minutes I remember three ambulances.. and a little dog carrying a huge stick.. he tripped.. did a somersault..and kept going.. without dropping the stick!

 
Another call.. my brother…please come home.. she’s ok.. just come home! I was sitting in the bus terminal looking at the open doors of an empty bus wondering what next! A ginger cat was winding itself around my legs purring., then he jumped on the bus, sat on the step looking at me. Then he did the same thing again. I knew what I had to do. I called my uncle.. I’m coming home.

 
I got to Wrexham bus station.. walked to the corner.. just as a car screeched to a halt.. I saw uncle Graham in the drivers seat.. Auntie Jan in the back .. and Uncle Gareth jumping out and running towards me.. and I knew. The words I was dreading never needed to be said.. but my knees gave way.
When the first call came in you were already gone and I felt it and I knew it. But you went as you wanted. Quick.. no lingering pain and with a cigarette in your hand. Standing talking in my brothers beautiful garden amongst the flowers you loved.. you just said you didn’t feel well and the Lord took you home

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You never told us you loved us.. or showered us with praise.. it was hard for you.. but you showed it in everything you did.. Except… for the last phone call before you left on your trip. You told me to look after myself.. and the kids.. that you loved me and how proud you were of the way I was raising the children by myself and the woman I had become. You also said.. keep going to church.. you are going to need them.. and this shocked me as you akways said you didn’t believe in God. You finished with see you soon! And for the first time I found the words I too found hard to say.. Love you too mum

To this day.. I am convinced she knew her time was close.

Well mum.. it’s taken me eighteen years to write this.. I could not let it out. I never got over not being able to say goodbye.. it has played on my heart all these years But now I’m glad I didn’t. I’m now just a couple of years younger than you when you left us.. and I hope I still make you proud. Life is so short. 

And without a shadow of a doubt.. I will see you soon...

And today the lights go on for you...

Love you always Mum

Until we meet again xxx